Are We At Peace?
by Jedimaster1999
Summary: Did Finnick get the grief he deserved? Well in the book I think they only glazed over it. A series of moments from many characters showing their reaction to his death and how they cope. WARNING MOCKINGJAY SPOILERS: What I think happened after mockingjay as well!
1. Tell me it's not Real

**Hey! So I haven't really updated any stories in awhile but I found a few old HG fics I wrote a LONG time ago. Edited them and am going to put them together as a story. Here is the first chapter! It might suck idk...but leave a review and let me know what you think! It won't always be the same character, but it's the same concept. **

**DISCLAIMER: This chapter is not meant to display any romance between Finnick and Johanna, just showing how much they care for one another (Like a brother and sister relationship.) **

**please review to let me know your thoughts! This may suck, idk! **

**Anyway enjoy :) (Warning: Sad, Angst, Hurt...typical story from me haha!) **

(Johanna)

I sat by myself alone in the world on the cold hospital bed. It been several days since Squad 451 had left without me. All my friends, my only friends really, were no out in the heat of danger. And I let them down...

I was supposed to go along with the rest of them. Katniss, Gale, Finnick, and now Peeta were all in the Capitol fighting for their lives. I should have been there with them.

But now I sat alone, only hoping and even against my usual judgement, praying, that they were all ok and safe.

The mission was only suppose to be for getting footage to promote on television. Such a stupid unproductive mission, for too many good fighters were not where they should have been. Out on the front, fighting for Panem.

The whole mission became a disaster when Boggs died in an explosion. A couple other soldiers died as well. At first everyone was announced dead, but we got contact from them and that they were indeed alive.

Which was a huge relief. I still remember the pain of not being able to comprehend all my friends death at once. Of course it didn't last long, for the soldiers in 13 didn't believe they were all dead.

But it was so stupid, and unfair. Such an unimportant mission with really no purpose, was now putting the only people I cared for in grave danger. All for what?! Stupid promos and television.

My hands were sore and shaking from tying Finnick's old rope over and over. But the rope drew the pain and reality away from my mind, which was worth all the rope burns.

He had came to see me before they left.

In my final examination session they figured out my weakness and tried to drown me with water. As I was held captive in the Capitol they used water and electrocuting to torture me. The stupid act of dousing me, well put me over the edge. And because of that I couldn't go.

No sooner had I woken from my unconscious insane state, he was right at my hospital door. I remember it very clearly, even though I witnessed it through a cloud of morphing.

_I was wet, scared cold and wet. The icy horrid feeling sent a shiver of insanity up my spine as always. I was in the hospital now. Great. I would most likely not being going to the Capitol. I guess I could never really get my revenge on Snow now._

_This anger and frustration filled me with more hate than my insanity did. Shaking both from my horrific experience with the waves of the water and from the pure sickness I felt coming on I buried my head deep in to the pillow of the bed and screamed._

_My muscles were tight as he clenched the sheets with so much force my knuckled turned blue. My chest heaved violently as I screamed nonstop for what seemed like forever. The torture would have continued much longer had I not suddenly been pulled back to as close of reality as I could._

_A large strong hand grabbed my shoulder tightly pulling me from the sheets I strangled and the pillow I screamed in to. At first I fought this force until I heard his soft gentle voice say, "Johanna, Johanna it's ok...it's just me Finnick. Your ok, your ok."_

_He said this with such a gentle almost rhythmic pattern. His soft coaxing was combined with gentle gestures of his hand. It was as if he was a professional at brining the insane back to reality for I noticed suddenly I stopped screaming and fighting. I just laid exhausted and out of breath on the mess of the bed._

_Soon his whole form came in to view. He was in his grey military uniform, with a worried look upon his usually such radiant joyful voice. He stayed with me, repeating his soft gestures till I could comprehend my surroundings and snapped out of my insane daze._

_When I finally came back to as close to reality as I could get. His gentle sea green eyes gazed at me with caution and worry. Holding my arm tightly he said in a soft comforting voice, "Johanna...your ok alright."_

_His strong reinforcing grip gaze me confidence and the way he spoke to me with such gentility gaze me the strength to believe him. I only had enough energy after that session of panic to nod fearfully._

_He wrapped his strong arms around my skinny famished shoulders and gave me the warmth and strength I needed so desperately. He did this often. Little did anyone know what me, Finnick, and many other victors had very close relationships. Every since he won, he had somewhat took the role as an older brother to me._

_There was nothing romantic between us, but I cared deeply for him. And whenever we had to go through another painful year as mentors we always had each other's backs._

_He was the stronger one of the two of us. Little things like water or a bolt of electricity didn't even phase him. I was the weak one, I always would be. When my weakness showed, he was there to hide it._

_Even now, with no one to hide my insanity from, he hid it from myself._

_"Listen Johanna, I don't have much time...we are heading to the Capitol soon. I wish I could stay longer, but I'll be back I promise." He said quickly yet still with such gentility and care it didn't matter it was so rapid._

_Still shaking slightly I held his large strong hand tight, looking up at him in desperation, "Finnick, don't make promises you can't keep. Just tell me you'll fight, and that you won't do anything foolish..."_

_With a slight lighthearted smile he said in a more cocky yet still gentle voice, "What exactly do you mean by foolish?"_

_I smiled a little in return. He always had some way of lightening even the darkest of situations. "I mean no putting yourself in dangerous situations, or sacrificing yourself ok. The Capitol can't hurt me any more, unless it takes away my dearest friend. Please...don't do it. Save yourself if you have to Finnick, please if it comes down to it, save yourself."_

_He looked at me suddenly with uncertainty. I knew. I knew if it came down to Katniss, Gale, or even Peeta's life, Finnick would sacrifice his own life for theirs. It took him a second before he closed his eyes and nodded._

_"Ok...I'll do all in my power, to come back. Can I promise you that?" He asked with a slight smirk._

_Nodding I managed to smile a little at knowing he would be taking care of himself. I still didn't want him to go, but at least I had that much of a promise._

_We remained in silent for a few moments, reflecting on our actions, words and promises. In the silence he reached his hand in to his pocket and pulled out a long tarnished fraying rope. Without hesitation he put the old thing in my hands._

_Confused I looked at him like he crazy and said with a slight laugh, "What's this for? To hang myself?" I half joke as I hold up the rope._

_Leaning against my bed causally he laughs as he explains, "No, defiantly don't do that. It's for well distraction. I won't be here to pull you out for the next couple days, use this...trust me it'll keep you from slipping to far into your mind. Promise me you'll use it if you feel yourself slipping?"_

_I suddenly remember a similar but smaller rope in both Annie's and Katniss's hands before. I guess I wasn't the only one who benefitted from Finnick's therapeutic personality. Holding the rope close in my hands I nod and say weakly._

_"I promise...as long as you promise to take care of yourself. To keep yourself alive. I need you Finnick, Annie needs you."_

_All he does is nod as he strokes the top of my short spiky haired head. I know this is it for now. He pats my leg reassuringly as he walks to the door I'm silence._

_At last he turns around his sea green eyes meeting mine. There's a joyful radiant look in his eyes and gestures as he says in his normal kind and lighthearted voice, "Don't worry Johanna, when it's over we'll all be at peace."_

_Peace. What a funny word to describe the possible end of this war. We may be happier, and more free. But will we be at peace. I never could understand why he said those words, but Finnick had never steered me wrong, why would he start now._

_Before I could reply he was gone. His radiant comforting form gone, off to the mouth of death and disaster. Clutching my rope tight I held hope that we would indeed be happy, free, together, and at peace soon._

The recent turn of events made me doubt any of them would ever get out alive. Last we heard from them, they were heading in to the sewers. They were going to try to get to the presidents mansion from there.

I held faith in Katniss. Holding the long loose rope in one hand and katniss's pine smelling bundle she gave to me in another I could only wait for news. But none came that night. All I knew was they were alive. Finnick was alive. Katniss was alive. That was all that mattered to me.

Worry kept me from sleeping. Not physically, because I was ready to pass out of exhaustion, but mentally. I knew if I were to drift off asleep I would dream of water, lightning, electricity, Katniss dead, Katniss dying, Katniss in pain, Finnick dead, Finnick dying, Finnick in pain, Finnick gone out of reach forever.

For the longest time I stayed awake. Tying knot after knot I held myself together. Keeping my promise to Finnick. I only hoped he was keeping his. Every so often I would stop my rhythmic tying and grab the bundle Katniss made me a few days ago. It always made me feel a little better to smell the pines and trees. Made me feel at home. At peace.

But my exhaustion won out by 6 a.m. I feel in to a deep sleep with the rope still intertwined in my hand. That's when the nightmares started once more.

Darkness, I saw darkness, it enclosed me as always. There was water, but that was not the threat. There were visions of screams, blood, gore, roses, blood. I smelled blood...it reeked in my nose along with the horrid plants. I saw paths of death, tunnels of darkness. It looked like a sewer in hell.

Racing for life, out of breath, screams, Katniss. Katniss's name kept repeating itself in my head. Though the source of the name was a menacing hiss. It sent a shiver up my spine. I saw visions of teeth, claws, white reptilian bodies stained in gore. What was this? Some horrid dream of the unknown? For I had never seen anything like the reptiles. Heads. Being ripped off by the beasts.

Blood. Roses. Katniss. Heads. Screams. Blood. Heads. Gale. Peeta. Sacrafice. Holo. Blood. Screams. Explosions. Lights.

It was a golden bronze light. It bathed over all the blood and gore. It washed away all death. It was warm and made no sound. It was peace. Beautiful warm loving peace. Was it over then? Were we at peace finally?

I flinched suddenly as I felt a hand upon my shoulder. My eyes shot open to find the source. I looked around half excited, hoping to see my friends. Hoping they made it into the presidents mansion and ended it all.

But as I scanned the room I found no sign of anyone except Haymitch Abernathy, who stood above me. Confused I raised myself up to a sitting position.

The visit from the drunken mentor was so unexpected, for I had not seen him since I came back from the Capitol. It caught me off guard at first as I looked at him with suspicion.

"W-what are you doing here?" I say with an unamused voice with hints of hate. Haymitch had never really been too close to me but his usually glazed drunk eyes were very much deep and filled with something that looked like sorrow.

The older man sighed as he looked down at me. His face was tight with what looked like pain, mental pain.

He still hadn't answered me. What was he out of alcohol and had come begging for some from me. Confused I glared at him finally raising my voice, "Listen if your looking for a drink, or even morphing I have none!"

"That's not why I'm here...trust me I've had enough to drink already this morning." He said in a low pained voice, which indeed told the truth for his breath reeked of alcohol.

His comment brought my attention to the clock that read 8:30 a.m. It was morning all ready. But did it really matter, well yah it did. It meant we might be getter news from the Capitol any moment.

"Well then why are you here?" I ask annoyed, looking at the rope in my hand and start tying it to stop my frustration from growing to much.

It took him a moment to speak as if he was figuring how to word it, finally he spoke in a non sarcastic and actually caring voice, "I bring news from the Capitol."

Adrenaline and excitement filled me at once. I shot up looking at him eagerly as I said rapidly, "Really?! Already! Did they get snow? Is it over?" I ask hopefully.

The way his eyes avoided my gaze and how his hands trembled nervously indicated to me this was no good news. Gritting my teeth and tying more rapidly now I prepared myself for what he was going to say.

"No, they are no where near the Presidents mansion. They just got out of the sewers. They have taken refuge in a small shop where an Allie is hiding them. They ran into some mutts in the sewer, had to blow up the whole sewer..."

He stopped after that as if he couldn't say the rest. But suddenly images flashes through my eyes. The sewers of hell. The white reptilian bodies, the claws, blood, echoing screams, tunneling darkness, the explosion, and light.

"D-did everyone make it out of the sewers?" I ask suddenly only fearing the answer would be no. I dreaded the simple word. I shouldn't have asked. I clutched the rope so tight it burned.

He looked down, biting his lip before saying the word I was so hoping would not come from his lips...

"No."

Anxiety rose up within, insanity nipped at my heels, I held the rope. Gritting my teeth I managed to nod before asking in a shaky voice, "Who?"

He started by saying, "Messalla, Leeg 1, Jackson, Castor, Homes..."

That was so much death in one night. Too much. But I sighed a relief as I realized I didn't really know any of them. At least my dear friends were safe.

But my hopes were soon tossed out the window as he continued, "And..."

Great! Oh boy he wouldn't hesitate like that if it wasn't someone he knew I loved. But did he know I love any of them. Well he saw me and Katniss's friendship, but I had a feeling it wasn't her. Or else all of 13 would be in chaos, at the death of the mockingjay.

Me and Peeta were close in a horrid way. We were tortured together. But Haymitch cared too much for the boy. He still was holding himself together.

Gale? Well I didn't really have a close relationship with Gale at all. But it could be him. Horrible enough, I hoped it was...instead of the others.

Holding the rope in both hands I fumbled with it rapidly. He wasn't speaking though. He looked down at the rope in my hand, and then back up at me. As he looked up from the fraying rope his eyes held regret and pain, not for himself...but me.

I looked to where his sad pained gaze led, to the thin old rope. It took me a moment before I realized what he was trying to tell me, but he didn't want to say it.

Of course he didn't, he was a victor. He saw us every year, with each other, helping each other. He knew what the giver of that rope meant to me. And he couldn't bring himself to say it.

For the first time in a long long time I shed a tear, for someone I loved. Clutching the rope tightly I started to shake as the realization hit me like a punch in the gut. I doubled over in pain. My whole body ached all of a sudden.

The Capitol had done it. They've figured out how to inflect the most painful torture upon me. I grasped the sheets and pillow to make sure I was alive, and this was real.

It was though. I was crying, and I didn't care. I was on the verge of screaming, I could care less. The sun shone upon me, but there was no light where I looked.

The old rope staying in my hand. It burned as I strangled the thing. Gritting my teeth I chucked the rope at the wall, and screamed.

I heard Haymitch say in the background, "Johanna...I'm sorry, you know I am."

Panting I tried to ignore his "comforting" words. I looked at the rope on the bare floor. I wasn't going over to pick it up. I wasn't going to use. For that promise was gone.

"H-he promised..." I said in a cracking voice.

Haymitch only stood there, unable to do anything, and he knew that.

"How?"

Without anymore hesitation he spoke quickly and softly, "The sewers. He stayed behind to fight off the mutts. He saved all their lives."

I knew it. He broke his promise. He sacrificed himself for them. And now he would never come back, and who knows if they would.

"The sewers?" I say horrified, "You mean they blew him up?!"

Haymitch drew a breath in before saying, "Only after a mutt got him...he didn't suffer long Johanna. It's over now though, and there's nothing we can do. You and I both know he's gone."

I nodded even though I didn't understand anything Haymitch was saying. I couldn't. I was lost in a haze of insanity, confusion, darkness, light, and pain.

"Have you told Annie?" I said in a raspy voice my red eyed face still avoiding his gaze.

"No...I'm not sure who's gonna tell her..." Haymitch said.

"You may as well shoot her through the head, it'll be less painful." I snapped.

"With her...I somewhat think that might be true..." He said as he started towards the door. But before he could leave him I faced him completely, I didn't care that my eyes were blood shot and tears streamed down my face.

"Haymitch, tell me it's not real. Tell me this is a bad dream...please!" I half shouted desperately.

He didn't say anything for he couldn't lie to me.

"Please...I can't tell what's real anymore. Set it straight. Tell me it's not real!"

His eyes met mine and for a long time we stared at each other in silence. Two victors with no one left to love, except a few. Haymitch loved Katniss and Peeta, and he knew I had the same love for the victor from 4. Pity filled his eyes as a small tear fell down his weary tired face.

"Finnick's dead, Johanna." Is all he can say before walking out and slamming the door behind him. Leaving me to grieve in a haze of insanity by myself.

I was wrong all those years ago. There were people I loved. There was a person. And now even he was gone. Gone from this earth forever, gone from pain, insanity, and death. He may be at peace, but I surely wasn't.

**Was it horrible? Idk? Do you want to see this continued? Cuz I have the rest of the chapters, they will just need to be edited. Let me know your thoughts anyway!**


	2. A Mentor's Gift

**Alright this one is a bit shorter, and maybe not as good as the first one. But I thought it was important and decided to include it anyway. I hope you enjoy! Thanks for the reviews of the first chapter! Leave your comments on this one, and I'll try to get another one up soon!**

**Hope you enjoying the story even though it's well not the most cheerful one. Itll have a happier ending though. **

(Haymitch)

[One hour earlier]

It was in the quiet control room that I say alone, a bottle of liquor as always in my hand. It was late and I would have to go to bed soon for we most likely wouldn't hear from them till they exited the sewers. But they didn't plan on doing that till they got to the President's mansion. They were far from there last time they made contact.

Such a simple mission turned to such chaos, and so quickly. Nearly everyone in 13 was still grieving over Boggs. He was a fine leader, but I barley knew the guy.

So here I sat, not really helping at all. We all just stared at each other from across a large table, a communicator in Coin's hand and the TV on and ready. I still held much doubt we'd hear anything tonight but I was kept around anyway.

No one spoke. The drastic turn of events caught everyone, including me, off guard. We only could hope we didn't hear anything worse tonight. Anything could happen really. I had already drunk 3 bottles of liquor, for the possibilities were all too great.

I was ready to leave, call it a night. I had about had it with all this military, strategic planning and only wanted to be left alone at this point. With a half empty bottle in hand I staggered out of my chair with a grumble of disapproval.

As I got up Coin shot me a look of agitation as she said suddenly in a strict harsh voice, "Where on earth are you running off to Mr. Abernathy? It's nearly dawn, we'll surely be hearing from the Capitol at any moment."

I rolled my eyes slightly as I managed to grab the handle of the door, partly for support as I grumbled, "Listen we've all been sitting around doing nothing all night. I'm sorry but I need at least a few hours of sleep. Thank you."

I said those last words with much sarcasm and cock, but I could care less. They knew they couldn't keep me back anymore. So with a final nod I started to exit the room when the TV suddenly awoke with a sound.

Frustrated I realized it was news and footage Beetee had managed to get to us. Sitting myself back down I waited as it showed many lineages of bleak sewers. This was no TV nor news report. This was footage the rebels in 13 actually shot for us. It seems they couldn't communicate to us directly, but this video would show what had happened, if anything had happened.

Watching it was hard to tell what had happened. The recorder seemed to be in great peril along with the rest of the squad. But the source of the attack was unknown till the camera was dropped and I could clearly see what was happening. White horrid reptilian mutts were chasing them through the pipelines. The beasts were savagely ripping both rebels and peacekeepers heads clean off.

Bottle in fist I watched as the blood stained beasts crawled their way to the remaining troops. With relief I saw Peeta and Katniss get away. From the way the camera was angled I think I could see a few more people climb out. When I thought everyone was out I saw the edge of the trident sink into a mutts side, holding it back so the others could escape.

The shaky trident found it's mark once again, but I never saw it again nor any sign of it's obvious wielder. That's when the whole tunnel exploded and the camera destroyed in the flames.

We all stared in confusion at the now fuzzy TV. Coin looked very tense along with the rest of the crew. I thought nothing much of the tape. It didn't really reveal anything except a few minor deaths.

Suddenly a soldier ran in to the meeting room. Coin glared at him like she was about to scream but then relaxed as he handed her a note.

"President Coin, we managed to receive a written document from the Capitol, along with the footage we just streamed." The soldier said heaving for breath.

"Thank you very much, you are dismissed." She said taking the grey paper in hand. Putting on her reading glasses she cleared her throat and spoke,

"Alive, yes the mockingjay is Alive. Accident in sewers. Band of mutts. White lizards seen on the tape. Had to blow it up. Not everyone made it out alive. The rest are hidden at Tigriss's shop. She's an ally. Casualties: Messalla, Leeg 1, Jackson, Castor, Homes, Finnick."

Suddenly it's like I was sucked into a dream. Slamming my bottle on the table I looked up at her in shock and denial, "What?" I said hoarsely.

Coin shot me a very angered look as she said as calmly as she could, "Mr Abernathy what is it now?"

I was about to yell at her for telling utterly foolish lies when I realized everyone had shocked and almost pained looks on their faces. The mockingjay may be alive, but we all knew the life of one very strong soldier was lost that night. Holding my tongue I could do nothing but slam my bottle of liquor on the table and march out.

"Mr Abernathy? This is quiet a rash turn of events, you have no right to-"

"Listen, I have no reason to be here! Alright! There I saw the news. Now what, I'll have to sit around here till tomorrow night waiting to see who else has died! Yah right!" I said loudly slamming the door behind me.

Walking down the hall I realized what had just happened. So many people, all at once. And Finnick? Out of all of them, besides Katniss, I was sure he would he the one who would survive.

Were we close. Not exactly. Had I seen his games and how he worked. He wasn't the type to fall just like that. Then it all made sense as I played what I had saw over in my head.

The mutts, they would have gotten to Katniss and the others if he didn't fight them off. And I never saw him escape with the others. The mutts must have killed him while he was fighting them off. That explains why they blew it. Because they wouldn't blow it If he were alive, would they?

It was hopeless pondering on it. All I knew was the strong victor from 4 was not coming home.

It wasn't me who really grieved. I could take loss reasonably well. But the others. Johanna, Katniss, Peeta, Annie...they all knew him, most of them too close to even think how they would react.

Stopping by my room I quickly drank down at least 2 more bottle of alcohol. It didn't help much, but I needed all I could for what I was about to do.

Then there I was. Half drunk and not even sure how to start this I placed my shaky drunken hand on the cold icy handle of the hospital door. I never wanted to do this, but I guess a long time ago we all pledged to have each other's backs. And even though Johanna wasn't too close too me, I owed it to her to at least inform her myself.

~ Flashback ~

_It was after a long and tiring tribute parade that I staggered half drunk from the stands back to the tributes housing areas. These tributes this year held no chance at all. Just a bunch of scared unprepared kids. Tired of watching lives perish before me every stinking year I hauled the two tributes off towards their room._

_It was late and I was just walking about the old halls of the tributes building. I didn't think anyone was out as I gazed at the Capitol's city below. How horrid these people where. But there was no real use reminding myself of how much I hated the Capitol. Instead I simply pulled a small flask out of my jacket and uncapped it._

_No sooner did I raise the drink did I feel a light hand pulling my arm down. Gazing down my gruff expression turned light at the sight of the visitor._

_It was Mags, an older victor from 4. She I had to say was one of the only victors I really liked. Besides Seeder and Chaff. She shook her head and took the bottle from me. Her touch was so soft I let her do take it._

_The older women didn't talk much anymore, but I remembered this was a regular thing. We usually discussed our tributes each year, but this event usually happened after the games had started._

_"Hmm, the usual I suppose. Bunch of innocent kids just waiting to die. They hold no chance, and you?" I asked noticing her face was rather urgent._

_"The boy from my district, I've known him from quiet some time..." Is all she said her voice soft and barely audible, but still filled with care._

_"Oh yah, the tall tan one? Well at least he has a chance for sponsors. He's not bad looking at all, a real showy boy don't you think?" I asked with a slight laugh remember the confident young tribute in the parade._

_"There's more to him than that, will you help me bring him home?" She practically begged._

_Usually Mags was such a strong women when it came to these things, but silver tears that shined brighter by the moonlight made me realize she really cared for the boy._

_"Oh alright...I'll help you out. Only this once though ok. Can't let the Capitol know they'll torture you, me, the boy, and who know who else. I'll give you half, or maybe even more of my sponsor money. My kids stand no chance...I'll try to get Chaff on as well."_

_She nodded gratefully and I could tell by her loving eyes this meant so much to her. Nodding and gently patting her arm goodnight and started walking back till I turned around looking at the old women, "Mags, what's the kids name?"_

_"Finnick, Finnick Odair" she replied softly._

_Nodding I smiled reassuringly to her and then went back inside._

_It was late in the games and I sat alone drinking my worries away. As I predicted both my tributes died in the bloodbath. Typical. Well now I was free for the rest of the games._

_But then as I took hold of the sponsor money the two happened to have gotten, to go get a drink with it, I realized I was far from done._

_I knocked gently on her door hoping she'd answer. Sure enough merely a minute later a rather worried Mags looked at me._

_"I'm sorry about your tributes." She said immediately._

_I shook my head and said, "No, it's ok...they never stood a chance. How's your kid...uh Finnick?"_

_"He's alive, but he doesn't really have a weapon." She spoke softly._

_"What do you mean, I saw him make his way to the cornucopia, there were plenty of weapons there." I said as I leaned against the balcony bars._

_"Yes but not his weapon. See he can win this he really can, if he had a trident." She spoke._

_"A trident. But no one uses that as a weapon anymore. And how on earth are you gonna get a trident in there?_

_She shook her head in distress as she mumbled, "Well see I don't know, but I promised to him, that I wouldn't stop trying till I got that weapon in there."_

_The desperate nature of the older women reminded me of how much she cared for the boy in the arena. Then I remembered when I was in the arena, after her tributes had fallen she pulled her sponsor money together to help me. No one knew about that except me and her._

_"Well...you can always send it in there as a sponsor gift." I said just throwing out the first thing that came to my mind._

_"Well yes but I don't have the money. I mean he has sponsors, but not that many" she said pulling out her sponsor money._

_I reached into my pocket and felt around for my own money. Against what I would usually do I gave her the money right then and there and whispered in her ear, "Take this for now. I'll try to rally more if I can. Do Not, tell anyone. This could go very bad if it got out."_

_All she did was nod gratefully and stuff it in her pocket, she wrapped a small arm around me in thanks and I in return just patted her shoulder._

_A few days later, after talking many people in the Capitol into sponsoring, and after convincing my victor "friends" to help me raise money for the boy, we were able to afford the trident. I helped Mags prepare a statement to make to the gamemakers,of why we should send it in and with not too much argue he got it._

_It was the most expensive gift to ever be given to a tribute. And he did much damage with it, as we promised the gamemakers he would._

_In the end the boy from 4 came back home, crowned as a victor. Yet cursed for then on._

_I saw it. The kid's rise to fame soon turned to disaster. Snow used him for horrible things. Typical Capitol. Sometimes I think it's easier to die in the actual arena, then suffer through what awaits afterwards._

_Each year I saw him. Never got too close, but I don't think he ever knew how Mags got that Trident to him. He surely did act like a big show off, charmer, a ladies man. At first I believed that was his true personality._

_But slowly, as the years went on I grew to find he really didn't care about any of those Capitol people. He had a girl at home he truly loved. He really wasn't a bad kid though, very light hearted, easy going, he made you feel good about yourself._

_He cared for a lot of people, more than half as many people I cared for. He made friends with many of the other victors. He never really approached me, but even though they acted like they were only focused on the games, he grew to like Johanna Mason. After the parades, interviews, training sessions, and even after their own tributes had fallen they were around each other. There wasn't anything romantic about the two, for only a few years later Annie would join him in being a victor. But you could tell Finnick, Johanna, and Annie all were very close to one another. Even though Johanna and Annie had their differences._

~ End of Flashback ~

And here I stood how many years later, remembering every time in all my years of mentoring I had seen them together. The famed boy from 4, the youngest victor to ever make it out of the arena, wouldn't be coming back this time. And I was now the one, who had to tell his dearest friends, why they would never see him again.

**Well I hope you liked it! Kinda showing how Haymitches relationship with Finnick through this chapter. Maybe it sucked idk. Buts that's how id like to think he got his trident in his games! Anyway leave a review if you enjoyed and I'll try to put more up soon!**


	3. Circles

**very quick brief chapter. We are back to Johanna and what's going on right after Haymitch broke the news. Her acceptance really. **

**This chapter isn't really narrative, just a lot of feelings circling through her head. Warning it's short, and idk about the quality...**

**It would mean a lot if you could leave a quick review. Just let me know your thoughts! Tell me what you like and didn't so I can use that as I write more. **

**Anyway enjoy, hopefully I'll update soon. **

(Johanna)

[One hour later]

The hour after the news was delivered I spent just coming to the realization of what had happened. Darkness clouded me for half of the hour. Curled up in a tight ball on the mess that was my hospital bed. I couldn't do anything for a long while. Paralyzed by pain and more worse grief, I was useless. I cried from time to time, the tears hot and cold, but never warm. They either burned my cheek with guilt, as the explosion that happened in the sewers plays over and over in my mind. They bit my cheek like frost, as I realized how alone I was. How alone he was. Both alone, and cold.

I screamed from time to time. Screamed as I saw the mutts, heard the screams, even the smell of human blood flooded my nose. I saw water, and electricity, and blood, and basically everything that made my blood run cold. I screamed so hard I thought my throat would give in under the amount of air being pushed out of it.

I would just lay there, half passed out by lack of oxygen from screaming, and from the pain that slowly ate away at me. In my half unconscious state I still saw all the horrors and more. Katniss was safe, out of the picture. But Finnick, I could never stop seeing him in pain. Seeing red blood, hearing his scream, watching his life flash before my eyes. A bloody trident, a wrath of sharp pain, teeth clashing against his neck, his blood poring out on the sewers, his life snatched up from under him, a loud burst of light.

I got out of it, eventually. But when I did it was no better. Then came the realization. It came like a cold hard hit to the head. I wanted to just be knocked out. Forget my reality, forget everything around me. But for the past 30 minutes I had tried. And failed.

Just as the mission had failed. The victory, failed. Finnick's last promise to me, failed.

So what was I to do now? Keep failing? Fail on accepting this? Fail in life itself. What will fail me next? My mind, my heart, my very existence?

The only thing I ever wanted to fail was the pure horrid bleak acceptance.

I denied it

Over

And over

And over again

Till I was blue in the face I denied it, till I gasped for breath my head spinning as stars flashed before my eyes.

Darkness, pure solemn darkness watched as I denied, but only in vain.

I had to rewitness it over and over. I heard Haymitche's voice telling me, over and over. I felt the burning rope that kept me sane being chucked out of my hand over and over.

Repeating, in circles.

These circles wouldn't stop, they would keep going on and on, till I accepted it.

But i didn't want to. I wanted to think I would see him again. I wanted to think I would hear his voice again. I wanted to think his heart still beat on, and his soul was still with us. With me.

He wasn't.  
He wasn't here anymore.  
He would never step back into this place he hated anyway.  
He would never tie a fraying rope ever again.  
He would never smile nor laugh nor even speak again.  
He would never show his love again, never see the ocean, the beach, all things he loved.  
He would never eat, never see, never breath ever again.  
He would never grow up.  
He would never see darkness, never see light.  
He would never feel hot nor cold.  
He would never run, swim, fight.  
He would never be here.

For Annie  
Katniss  
Peeta  
Haymitch  
Gale  
Beetee  
Me

He would never be there for us, ever again.

He wasn't coming back.

These thoughts went on for hours, but at the end of the hour the only thought I was left with is,

_I'll never see him again._

And that was it.

For I couldn't think much further past that. How his sea green eyes would never look upon me again. I'd never hear his light happy voice, or see his gleaming smile. Never feel his strong arm upon mine. No he was gone. Blown up. Eaten alive. Who knows what else.

But it didn't matter what happened to him at all really. I didn't give a crap.

All I knew was he was gone. Didn't matter how, but he was gone forever from us all.

And now, I had to tell Annie. Tell the girl from 4, the crazy mad one. His newly wed wife, the love of his life. The girl who could only be pulled from her world of insanity by his voice, his touch. The victor, who exited the arena with everything lost, including her mind, but only had love left.

I had to be the one to tell her that had been taken away as well. That her husband was never coming back. That she had to keep living, alone.

**Yah not really sure how to describe this chapter. I just thought Johanna needed a short chapter of acceptance before I kept going on with the story. Please leave a review if you enjoyed. I thank you all so much for doing that! Just leaving your comments tells me so much, and it really does mean a lot. **


End file.
